How Big Your Ears Are, Grandma Vio!
by Skye96
Summary: Red Riding Hood... Four Swords Plus style. Crack.


**"How big your ears are, Grandma Vio!"**

Little Red Riding Hood… Four Swords Plus style. Crack.

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**Do not take this seriously. PLEASE. I didn't even TRY with this so please Oh, God, do NOT take it seriously! The only reason I'm even posting it is because a friend told me she'd post her own one-shot! Do not read unless you're prepared for something utterly stupid and brain-cell depleting!**

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Once upon a time there was a boy named Red who liked red hoods and burning unusual things. Unusual things like a wolf's tail when he's sleeping.

Said wolf is now chasing said little boy who likes red hoods.

"WHAAAH! I'M SORRY, MR. WOLF!" The little boy who likes red hoods cried.

The wolf looked pissed. "I'm gonna eat ya, then I'm gonna eat your mother!"

"I don't have a mother, I only have a grandma!"

"Then I'll eat her!"

Little did Red know that Mr. Wolf wasn't lying. He was very bad-ass, you see, because that made him smexy. So he lied a lot.

Once upon a time there was a boy who had wolf-ears because fangirls thought they were smexy. He was a very smexy wolf who looked kind of like a shadow. His name was Shadow and he was smexy.

Even though he's, like, twelve.

"Hehehehe… Little Red didn't know that I could sniff out his grandma, did he?"

So Shadow kicked down the door to Grandma's house and found…

An old man sat in a rocking chair, reading a book upside down. "Eh? Did the pizza arrive yet?"

Shadow furrowed his eyebrows. "Er… is this Red's Grandma's house?"

"Who's Red?"

"That little boy who likes red hoods and catching things on fire. Like my tail."

"Oh, that guy. Er… I think I am his grandma."

"…But you're a guy…"

"I ordered pepperoni not anchovies!" The old man chucked his book at Shadow and hit him on his burnt tail. Shadow was angry. Bad asses do very bad ass-like things when angry. So Shadow ate him.

Once upon a time there lived a grandma who was actually a grandpa that got ate by a wolf. The wolf's stomach was nauseating to him but he found the pizza he ordered eventually. He quickly forgot he was slowly dissolving in stomach acid as he feasted on half of a pepperoni slice.

Once upon a time there was a huntsman clad in green who was – wait for it – named Blue.

"Hahaha! Now I'm the main character! Take that, Green!"

He was talking to himself, of course. Because he actually had a very bad psychological condition.

That's when he heard it.

He perked up his head, and narrowed his eyes, looking for the source of the sound over the green hills. What a high-pitch sound…

UGH!

It was so high-pitched that as it got closer Blue had to cover his ears as he grimaced in pain. Was that... screaming?

"What the hell-!?"

Then he was rammed into by none other than Little Red, himself.

"Blue~!"

"Red, what the hell are you doing!?"

"Great, you can be my woodsman!"

"Your wood what!?"

"C'mon, Blue! You have to help me… chop Shadow into bits!"

"Wait, what!? Don't bring me in another one of your stupid ideas—We don't have time for this!"

Despite his protests, though, Blue was dragged off by Red and given an ax (Where'd he get that from, anyway!?)

**Back at Grandma's Place…**

"Wow, this ol' man sure knew good books. Too bad he's so old now he reads them upside down. Hm… I wonder if he has internet—"

There lay a computer, gloriously shining bright atop of a stone mantle in the middle of an otherwise empty room.

"MY BABY!"

**Meanwhile…**

"This is it, Blue!"

Blue broke from Red's grasp violently. "The hell? Who's house is this?"

"Grandma Vio's!"

"Vio's in on this, too!?"

"No, silly! _Grandma_ Vio!"

"There's an old lady named Vio?"

"I like apple juice!"

"_What is wrong with you?"_

"What do you mean, Blue?" Red cupped his own cheeks with his hands, staring creepily at Blue. "I'm perfectly sane~"

"… I highly doubt th—"

"Okay, so just stand here and wait for me to scream!"

"Oh, please don't—"

Red was already running inside. "Thanks, Blue~"

Red entered the house tentatively, looking around with his bright blue eyes. "Grandma Vio?"

"In here, sweetie!"

Red smiled sweetly, walking into the room. He feigned surprise at the site. "Grandma Vio!"

Grandma Vio didn't look much like Grandma Vio. He looked more like Shadow with a poorly imitated Grandma Vio mask on blogging something and muttering about, "I met her again today… she thought my ears were smexy."

"Yes, child?" The voice sounded fake, too.

"Your ears are really big, Grandma Vio."

"…You rude little shit! My ears are perfect size! Why don't you look in the mirror sometime?"

Red teared up. "That hurt, Grandma!"

Grandma Vio regained his composure. He closed the laptop and grinned through the hole in the Grandma Vio mask. "Ya know what? I'm too hungry to play this gig. That ol' man wasn't enough to eat."

The strained, elderly voice of Grandma Vio's rung from his stomach. "I'm not old! I'm twenty-seven!"

"Yeah, yeah." 'Grandma Vio' and Red replied in unison.

That's when Grandma Vio jumped out of bed… taking off his mask to reveal... Shadow!

"ACK! IT'S THE WOLF!" Red screamed and suddenly Blue jumped through the window, glass spewing everywhere as he wielded his ax.

Shadow looked shell-shocked.

"The hell did you come from? Red, I thought this was only between us and this old guy!"

Red giggled. "Oopsies."

Blue lunged at him with an ax. "That's for stealing Zelda, bastard!"

Zelda peaked her head through the window, she had a hat on with bear ears connected to it. "What are you talking about, Link? I'm right here."

Everyone stared.

"How the hell did you get out of that tower—"

"On to more important questions… has anyone seen a Link with a golden wig on? He ate my porridge."

**Meanwhile…**

Once upon a time there was Green. Green ran through the forest swiftly and heroically, a bowl of porridge in his hand as he ate it with a wooden spoon. A picori held onto his hat tightly, his own little porridge flying off with the wind. The poor picori teared up.

"Did we lose her, Vaati!?"

"I-I think so—"

Suddenly a wild Zelda jumped out of the bushes… only this time it wasn't Zelda! It was a real bear!

Vaati and Green screamed as they ran back toward Grandma Vio's house.

**Back at Grandma Vio's House…**

"Wait, one second." Blue demanded as he looked between each of them. "If Red's Little Red Riding Hood, Shadow's a wolf, some old geezer's—" ("Hey!") "—The grandma, Zelda's papa bear, Green's Goldilocks, and I'm the huntsman… where's Vio?"

Everyone looked at each other, suddenly curious themselves.

That's when Red made a very bold move.

He tore off Shadow's face.

Everyone gasped in horror.

But little did they know that Shadow's face was a mask! It was actually… Bruce Wayne!

"_Oh, hell no!" _Blue ran up to him and tore off Bruce Wayne's face, revealing none other than… Vio!

"Aw, you!" Blue bashfully waved his hand as Vio smirked.

"Weren't you all wondering why I was so OOC?"

"But aren't we all? This is a crack story, after all." Red chirped.

"Ahaha, the author needs help."

That I do, Vio. That I do.


End file.
